Do NOT mess with the Four Loko

Diego briefly passes out and we litter his body with Four Loko Cans

I only have flashes of memory. Between blackouts, there are glimpses of what happened to me this past Saturday. I remember laughter... Lots of laughter. I remember grilling an absurdly large Tilapia. I think I took a shower at some point... I'm not positive of any of this. Although I did find a Crawfish on my roof the following morning I have absolutely no idea how it got there.


Let's start from the beginning. I remember making beer (more on that later). I remember that I had some friends there; Abby, Diego, Mena, Patrick, Ben, Trenton, Dave and Alex were all there. Mena made some delicious Cuban sandwiches, which in retrospect may have been enough of a buffer from the looming alcohol poisoning that I needed to survive the night. I remember having made my batch of homebrew beer and kicking back with a can of Green Apple flavored Four Loko, this is when things get a little fuzzy.

What is Four Loko you say?

Let me explain.

On a recent trip to an un-named local Asian Grocery Store, I came across the controversial malt beverage called "Four Loko". Four Loko is a candy flavored alcohol beverage containing 12% ABV and is fortified with caffeine and is as drinkable as Kool Aid. Alcohol is a depressant that slows reaction time, impairs judgement and inebriates its users. Caffeine is a stimulant that counters most of these side effects allowing the user to consume more alcohol! This has been shown to be a deadly combination that has resulted in deaths and numerous stomach pumpings on college campuses nationwide. This stuff is like liquid cocaine. Several states have already banned Four Loko and although they are trying to sell the stuff without caffeine now, there is already a stigma associated with this beverage which makes obtaining it all that more difficult. It also makes it all that more interesting for me to try with some equally eager friends! I bought 14 - 750ml cans... 2 of each of the 7 flavors they sold at my unnamed Asian Market. There were only 6 of us drinking it... we finished it in one afternoon.

Since I don't remember much about the actual night, I will focus on what happened when I woke up. I think I was playing Halo at some point. My xbox was still on from the night before, but somehow the TV and Stereo were turned off appropriately. My clothes were scattered all over the house. No idea how they got there. Pants in the kitchen, a shirt on the couch, socks near my bed... what happened to me? A pounding in my head remained and I strained to focus both eyeballs on the mess we had made the night before. There was a sickly sweet smell in the air and an equally rancid taste in my mouth. Both, remnants of the candy flavored drink we were consuming all night. I staggered to the kitchen for some water. Guzzled down 2 or 3 glasses worth. This is about the time I realized that not only did I lose my mind on Four Loko, but I also lost my keys and my wallet!

Ben with a Magic Crab

I turned the house upside down. Upstairs, downstairs, office, bedroom, bathroom, kitchen. I flipped the couches upside down, emptied cabinets and crawled behind the television. I looked multiple times in the garbage can outside. This was particularly disgusting, since the trash was filled with rank Crawfish, Blue Crab and Tilapia corpses from the feast Trenton prepared the night before. Not only did I have to dig through the fishy corpses, but also cat litter bags and kitchen waste filled the can. The smell was bad enough to make paint peel off the walls. Definitely not the kind of smell you want to deal with when you are as hung over as I was. I gagged... but there was nothing in my stomach to vomit up. Misery was setting in...

Two days later now. I feel much better. Still, no keys... no wallet... no money, ID, Credit cards... NOTHING.

Its going to be a long day or two getting my life back in order. the only thing I am missing is most of the memories of that night. I guess they don't call Four Loko "Blackout in a can" for no reason! Don't get me wrong, I love to drink, but I rarely take things to this level. I don't condone this type of behavior and will definitely be steering clear of the Four Loko in the future. I hope my misery in dealing with the loss of my keys and wallet and the nearly $500 I have had to spend to get my life back in order is warning enough for my readers to steer clear of the brew they call "Four Loko"!

As always, if you would like to follow me on this Drinking Adventure, please click on the link on the right where you can subscribe to my feeds. you can also follow me on twitter at @williepawn or friend me on Facebook. You can also email me here. I am also keeping a compiled list of beers tasted HERE that you can look at.